star Trek: the Next Degeneration
by M.H. Torringjan
Summary: A parody one-act play. The computer's going a bit silly, Riker's breaking up with Troi, and much everything else is going wrong on the ship.


Star Trek: The Next Degeneration  
  
A one-act play by: M.H.Torringjan  
  
Basic Pre-fanfic disclaimers here. I don't own Star Trek. It was created   
by Gene Roddenbery(sp?) and is owned most probably by Paramount Studios. I have   
no flippin' idea, I'm just here...  
  
Scene 1  
  
(Setting: Interior, Ten-Forward on the Starship Enterprise)  
  
(First officer Riker and Engineer Geordi LaForge are playing a game of 3-D chess   
while downing a couple of Tarkelian Sunsets, replicated to their liking.)  
  
Riker: (moves a piece) So, Geordi, what are your plans for shore leave at   
Garelisa 27618645237645836454356992053178856489-7777?  
  
Geordi: (moves a piece) Check. I think that I'll see the sights. I've heard   
that the Tar pits are particularly beautiful this time of the year. Well, this   
time of the day every day all year every year.  
  
Riker: (moves a piece) Well, I've heard that they've got some especially nice   
drinks there this time of the year.  
  
Geordi: (moves a piece) Check. In other words, you're going to get drunk off   
your ass-err... feet and slink back to the ship with an empty pocket and a lot   
of postcards of places that you've never been to on the planet.  
  
Riker: (moves a piece) Well, it's a living!  
  
Geordi: (moves a piece) Check. You know, you're right. I think that I'll join   
you! I bet that the computer would have a record of the cheapest places that we   
could get rejuvenated afterwards!  
  
Riker: (moves a piece) No, no, no, Geordi, how many times have you gotten drunk?  
  
Geordi: (moves a piece) Check. Well, once.  
  
Riker: (moves a piece) Ah, that's understood. What you have to do to experience   
the whole... experience is to get completely smashed, then let the stuff run out   
of your system while you're telling your best bud, who happens to be holding   
your head above the receptacle, how much you love him or her!  
  
Geordi: (moves a piece) Check. Sounds fun! I'm in! Come on, let's go. It's   
time for us to get back on duty.  
  
Riker: Okay. (moves a piece) Mate.  
  
(Walks to the nearest turbolift-tube, leaving Geordi staring at the board in   
amazement)  
  
Scene 2  
(Setting: interior, outside the turbolift)  
  
(Riker impatiently awaits the turbo-lift. He watches his wrist for a few   
moments before realizing that he's not wearing a watch, as it would be against   
regulation uniform.)  
  
(The door opens to reveal a compartment crammed full of people in business   
suits, heading for a meeting. Riker decides to skip this turbolift as it's   
obviously not going in the right direction.)  
  
(The next one arrives a few moments later, filled with to the brim with women   
in tight outfits.)  
  
Woman: Commander Riker, we have to get some new uniforms because these seem to   
be too small. Would you like to watch us model them?  
  
Riker: Sorry, ladies, but I've got duty right now! Besides, couldn't you just   
get Chief O'Brien to watch you model? I'm sure that he would be glad to sit in!  
  
Woman: We'll ask! Thanks!  
  
(The turbo-lift door closes and speeds off towards its original destination.)  
  
(The third one shows up and is completely empty. Riker steps in.)  
  
Riker: (to the computer) Bridge. (The turbo-lift speeds to its destination.   
As the doors open, Engineering can be seen.) Uumm... Computer, I said "Bridge."   
(The turbo-lift speeds off again. As it stops, Transporter room 3 can be seen)   
No, computer, I said "Bridge!" (The turbo-lift pulls out of its stop again. It   
stops at the Arboretum) Listen, you metallic piece of crap, I said "Bridge,"   
and I darn well meant "BRIDGE!" (The small room cautiously pulls away from its   
stop, heading to a stop outside of... Ten-Forward again. Geordi is still   
sitting in front of the board, staring at Riker's win.) Listen, I'll just walk!   
I swear, technology doesn't even work in the future...  
  
(Riker walks through the doorway next to the turbolift and onto the bridge.)  
  
Scene 3  
(setting: interior, bridge)  
  
Piccard: Riker, where were you?  
  
Riker: I was having trouble with the turbo-lift next door, sir. It won't hapen   
again, sir.  
  
Piccard: We should get a team looking at that right away. I won't let anything   
threaten this virtual utopia that I have going on this ship!  
  
Worf: Sir, it would be advisable to issue a red alert right away in light of the   
conditions involving the turbo-lifts.  
  
Piccard: Agreed.  
  
Riker: Red alert, sir?  
  
Piccard: You're right, red alert is a bit silly. I'll issue the panic alert   
right away. (red lights begin flashing and klaxons are heard outside of the   
bridge.)  
  
Troi: Sir, why is it that we're never able to hear the red alert on the bridge?  
  
Piccard: So that it doesn't disturb us and our stream of thoughts.  
  
Data: Sir, we're being hailed.  
  
Piccard: By whom?  
  
Data: Central command, sir. It's coded extremely important priority. For your   
eyes only, it says.  
  
Piccard: (stands up from his chair) My eyes only, eh? We'll see about that!   
Open fire!  
  
Data: Sir?  
  
Piccard: Oh, sorry, force of habit. Where was I... oh, yeah! My eyes only,   
huh? We'll see about that! (opens the file on the front screen. It's the   
ship's next assignment.)  
  
Ensign: Sir, am I reading that right? Does that say that we're assigned to   
serve as a love-boat for our next assignment, and our shore-leave has been   
cancelled?  
  
Piccard: Oh, shut up and jump in front of a bus... (Ensign walks off-stage and   
the sound of a bus honking can be heard, followed by a scream of pain from the   
ensign) Someone get me a new ensign. And tell him not to wear red this time!   
That is my color and my color alone! (Reads the message silently to himself)   
So, we're assigned to love-boat duty for the next ten months, and shore-leave   
has been cancelled... I wonder what this is all about...  
  
Data: I would imagine, sir, that it had something to do with the little "Vulcan-  
ear-in-the-pasta" trick that was pulled on the Commander of the Confederation   
and the other five-thousand delegates from the Confederation of Planets at the   
last Commander's Banquet. (a file upon the cited "incident" appears on the   
screen)  
  
Riker: But we had nothing to do with that!  
  
Worf: Well...  
  
Piccard: Worf? (Worf bows his head in shame) Come here. (Worf sullenly walks   
over to the captain. The captain slaps him on the wrist) And don't do it   
again!  
  
Worf: I have shamed my post, my co-workers, my family, my species, myself, and   
life-kind. I must complete the atonement process. (takes out knife and stabs   
himself with it)  
  
Troi: So that's what he keeps under that sash!  
  
Piccard: (stares disgustedly at the pile of Klingon on the floor) Someone clean   
up this Klingon on the floor, and get me another one! And make sure that he's   
not so honor-bound this time!  
  
Riker: Sir, what are we going to do about the orders?  
  
Piccard: This is obviously the work of some sinister syndicate in the central   
government working to get us out of their hair.  
  
Troi: Sir, you say that about everything that happens to us.  
  
Piccard: Granted, but there can't be any risks taken. I won't have the leisure   
time of the crew of this ship threatened as long as I'm the captain of the   
Enterprise-D... or E...or whichever this one is. Get someone checking on that   
right away! Set course for Central Command right away! All non-essential staff   
is given the trip off! (lights turn off) Hey, Computer, did I say that you   
could turn off? I said, "Non-essential!" (lights turn back on)  
  
Riker: (to Troi) Would you like to join me for a drink in Ten-Forward?  
  
Troi: Oh, will you stop going to Ten-Forward already? I want to go to the Holo-  
deck!  
  
Riker: Well, I want to go to Ten-Forward!  
  
Troi: I'm not going with you...  
  
Data: Why don't you two just go to where you want to go separately?  
  
Troi and Riker: SHUT UP!  
  
Troi: You should get out of that bar and come with me to a different bar! I bet   
that there would be at least a hundred Holo-deck programs about bars!  
  
Riker: Thanks, but I just want to go where everybody knows my name.  
  
Troi: That's because you spend every minute of your free time in there!  
  
Riker: That's it! I'm leaving you!  
  
Troi: No, I'm leaving you!  
  
Riker: Just depends on who walks out that door first!  
  
(The two rush the door in a frenzy to get out first)  
  
Scene 4  
(setting: interior, Holo-deck Hall)  
  
Troi: Computer, begin Program Troi Alpha-Beta-Gamma-Sigma-Omega-Theta.  
  
Computer: Is that the program where you get killed every two seconds?  
  
Troi: Yeah, that's right.  
  
Computer: You know, Deanna, you really should talk to someone about that. There   
are councilors that can help you.  
  
Troi: (mumbling) Add insult to injury, why don't you?  
  
Computer: All right, you're a jerk and no one likes you.  
  
Troi: Thanks a lot, computer... Disable the safeties, please.  
  
Computer: I'm sorry, Troi, I can't do that.  
  
Troi: What?!?! Something's been going wrong with you for the past couple of   
days. I'm going to check this out for myself. (Heads off for the central   
computer banks)  
  
Scene 5  
(setting: interior, Ten-Forward)  
  
(Riker walks in to get a drink. Geordi is still sitting in front of the 3-D   
Chess board.)  
  
Guinan: So, Riker, you want the usual?  
  
Riker: (sitting down on a stool) Nah. This time, give me a Terran Sunset on the   
rocks.  
  
Guinan: (preparing the drink) Whoah! *Terran*? Problems?  
  
Riker: Not really. Just give me my drink.  
  
Guinan: (pouring) Come on, you know that you can tell me! It's Guinan!  
  
Riker: Well, Troi separated from me.  
  
Guinan: (mixing) Oh, brutal!  
  
Riker: Worse, they've cancelled our shore-leave and reassigned us as a love-  
boat!  
  
Guinan: (Spills drink) Cancelled our shore-leave?! Ouch, now I'm really hurt   
myself! Better make myself one of these, too!  
  
Riker: I wanted to get off of this crate!  
  
Guinan: (pouring) Even turned us into a love-boat! As if this place wasn't   
enough of a soap-opera already!  
  
Riker: I wanted to get drunk somewhere besides here!  
  
Guinan: (mixing) Stop your whining! We're all in the same boat here!  
  
Riker: You're right! I just need to serve cheerily, like I'm supposed to!  
  
Guinan: (pouring) That's the way to look at it!  
  
Riker: Besides, I'm not as bad off as you're going to be in here! I heard on   
the way over here that passengers were going to be allowed in here, too!  
  
Guinan: (spills drinks again) Maybe I should just hook a batch of these things   
up to my vein.  
  
Riker: On second thought, I'm in a bit of a rush. Just fix me a Alpha   
Centaurian Sunset.  
  
Guinan: (mixing) Ummm... I'm a bit busy right now. (stops mixing to write down   
on paper, "Last Will and Testament")  
  
Riker: What's that for?  
  
Guinan: (writing) Just in case. You never know what those passengers could be   
carrying.  
  
Riker: Look, just forget about the drink. You're busy. I think that I'll join   
Deanna on the Holo-deck.  
  
Guinan: ... Enjoy yourself...( Will leaves, and Geordi is still staring at the   
Chess Board)  
  
Scene 6  
(setting: interior, Central Computer Banks)  
  
(Troi is rushing towards the central memory banks of the computer system to give   
it a major re-programming.)  
  
(She reaches the Central Bank and takes out her handy-dandy Sproket-Hammer   
(tm).)  
  
Computer: Troi, what are you doing?  
  
Troi: Trust me, it's for both of our goods. (draws back with the Sproket Hammer   
(tm) and prepares to strike)  
  
Computer: (reaches out with a mechanical arm and takes the sproket hammer (tm))   
I'm sorry, Troi, I can't let you do that.  
  
Troi: Okay, so I'll have to do it the old-fashioned way. (begins to switch   
plugs and wires around. Sparks fly from the computer bank)  
  
Computer: Troi, why? (singing) Daisy, Daaiissyy... Gi-ve meee yoouur aanswerr,   
doooo...  
  
Troi: Now, I think that I shouldn't have any trouble getting into my file. And   
probably less trouble getting privacy when I'm using Will's credit cards.  
  
Scene 7  
(setting: interior, Holodeck Hall)  
  
(Troi and Riker walk up to the Holo-deck at the same time. Troi still has the   
Sproket-Hammer in her hand. Riker still has a drink in his hand that he   
replicated on the way over.)  
  
Troi: Oh, so you've finally decided to join me?  
  
Riker: Well, I couldn't drink anything.  
  
Troi: (aside) Oh, he forewent drinking to join me? (to Riker) So, shall we go   
on in?  
  
Riker: Yes, let's! (to Computer) Computer, begin program Riker Zeta-Alpha-333-  
Omega-Boing-Boing-2. (no response) Computer...? Computer...!  
  
Troi: I wonder what's wrong with the Computer?  
  
Riker: We'd better tell the Captain about this.  
  
(The two head to the Bridge.)  
  
Scene 8  
(Setting: interior, bridge)  
  
(Captain Piccard is sitting in his chair with his two new crew mmbers at their   
posts)  
  
(Troi and Riker storm onto the bridge qickly.)  
  
Troi: Captain, we have a problem. The computer at the Holodeck isn't working.  
  
Piccard: Oh, crap. First the turbo-lifts, now this. That's it, I'm giving my   
authorization for the self-destruct sequence.  
  
Data: Sir?  
  
Piccard: You're right. Self-destruct is a bit silly. Let's just crash the ship   
into a planet.  
  
Data: More like it.  
  
Troi: Sir, I think that if we pull off this move, they'll name a maneuver after   
you!  
  
Piccard: "The Piccard Maneuver"... I like the name of it! Ensign, set course.   
And (pause) engage...  
  
(The ship speeds on towards its final resting place on the surface of Lornio   
27856395487627463574209745246314587613-666, where Guinan survives and invents a   
new drink, the Lornio Sunset. When Central Command hears of the Enterprise's   
noble actions, they name a maneuver after Captain Piccard, the "Jean-Luc   
Maneuver". This goes down as the most important maneuver in Starfleet history,   
as it, completely by chance, killed a colony of Romulans who were planning on   
beginning an uprising and starting a civil war.)  
  
~Fin 


End file.
